BEHIND ENEMY LINES
Crossing enemy lines requires a substantial amount of firepower, influence as well as intelligent information. I rarely cross those lines, close to none at all. Yet I now find myself behind one. I am standing still at friendly territory yet someone just drew the line past me as if the enemy claimed more land without any sight of battle. Stealthy moves perhaps got past me and got me to gunfire.
Question is: Will you "shoot" back at a traitor? What if you've been friends for more than 15 years and you've got a good and lasting friendship till you found out his treacherous act? Would you go to confrontation mode despite constant denial from the other side and his recent and constant avoidance? Would you rationalize what made him do what he did? Or would you take a step back and see where he ends up with his plot? Would you distance away and take things as though it was bound to happen sometime in the future so might as well know as early as now?
All I know is that a friend is no good if he can do things to hurt the relationship... much more do nothing to make the other side understand or at least be aware of his reasons. Valuing friendships is one thing, but somehow not all put friendships that high compared to their other priorities. Understanding him and going on with my life would be the imperative road to take. There's no point keeping a friend if he doesn't value the friendship I'd like to keep. Understanding is one thing and forgiveness is another... and I just don't have those two cards to spare.
I'll pave the runway for him and I think he needs it more than I do. Whatever is meant to happen will happen and all is in God's grace.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Friday, June 15, 2007
Thursday, June 07, 2007
Break Me O Lord
I just had to post this. I'm really hurting much for the choices I've made and the road that I've taken because of the compelling reasons I have that led to such decisions. I no longer know what I've become and must have learned to love myself with all that I am and all that I've got. I.
It's amazing how much life has broken me to pieces and I somehow emerge stronger yet cold, unfeeling and insensitive. I'm just confused how the Lord God permits this and continually breaks me to be stronger... and yet with each growing strength, I am broken over and over again to the ebbs of existence. So break me O Lord and make me not weary of it coz I am. Spare my clouded mind from the anxiety of what I'll become in the end of it all. I am not the keeper of the glue afterall.
I just had to post this. I'm really hurting much for the choices I've made and the road that I've taken because of the compelling reasons I have that led to such decisions. I no longer know what I've become and must have learned to love myself with all that I am and all that I've got. I.
It's amazing how much life has broken me to pieces and I somehow emerge stronger yet cold, unfeeling and insensitive. I'm just confused how the Lord God permits this and continually breaks me to be stronger... and yet with each growing strength, I am broken over and over again to the ebbs of existence. So break me O Lord and make me not weary of it coz I am. Spare my clouded mind from the anxiety of what I'll become in the end of it all. I am not the keeper of the glue afterall.
The Cost of Seeking the Truth
What is it with knowing the truth that lures my mind to do things to seek it at costs that are at times beyond reason? Knowing the truth and intent of people's actions and words is just sometimes beyond me and I know that there are limits that I can't cross and are just not worth pursuing... because they are just not supposed to be figured out as normal people would given the same conditions.
Why is it so hard for me to accept the fact that people can say and do things just to please or to make me hear what I wanna hear but not necessarily what they mean? I need to read between the lines but sometimes I'm just tired of having to. It's just difficult to know when to and when not to. I guess people are just not accustomed to saying something that might hurt someone or cause others to think different of them. I should know better that not everything is transparent and not everything seems the way it is. Maybe I can take a cue from that and see if it improves with how I can connect with others... and also how they can connect with me once more. A lot have said (even my family said it too) that I've changed a lot in so little time and it's been painstakingly hard to connect with me. I'm clueless as to what makes them say so. They just can't assume that I know everything coz I am almost always unaware of what I'm doing. I just thought now that if I am confused myself, I could just imagine how confused they probably are. I can only hope for enlightenment and understanding.
I spoke of the Seven in my previous post and it's been disheartening to know that some just can't say that they felt different about the things I have done or have said. And despite my care and choice of words in my vocabulary, I realized I still have miles to go before getting my messages and intents out correctly. On the other part, I'm glad that one of them had the courage to relay to me almost everything that I should know even though he thinks that I might feel bad about it. I guess he shares with me this personality of mine that if something unpleasant needs to be told, then it should be relayed to the persons affected hoping that such transparency will resolve the problem in a better way. There is just no point in suffering in silence and having the people concerned run thoughts in their mind based on information that was misunderstood. In one way or the other, our minds process what we perceive through our senses... and if such perception is not what it truly is then the result of such processing can lead somewhere that is far off from had the perception been right.
I'm now battling keeping the friendships I've cultivated with some of them. It has never been my intent to break the 7 or break off from the 7. It just makes the friendship through the years meaningless. It's never easy doing any of it. I'm hoping and praying not for forgiveness but for understanding. In friendships, I believe we have to understand our friends' priorities in life and what means a lot to them. Part of it is respecting what is important to them and working around that premise. Things change as the friendships grow and in time we will all be living in separate worlds with families of our own and priorities would have changed by then. I'm also thinking of mine because it worries me too that unless bonds are kept and mutual respect is given, I doubt that in time we will indeed live in distant worlds with just memories to tie us back to a wonderful past that sad to say hasn't lived long enough to reach the present. There is no need for forgiveness to be given or asked. There are no sorries but just I-Understands. I've seen something like this happen once before... not even of my own doing... and at that point I did nothing for fear that I might get sucked in. I guess it is true that the only way for evil to prevail is for good men to do nothing. I'm glad one of us is doing something and I am very much willing to fight in that cause. Silence is overrated but at times I realize that shutting up when you have nothing good to say proves to be a better option. But keeping a thorn in the heart proves fatal and must be let out. If that can't be understood then all I can do is understand that the friendship hasn't matured that much and not all things are perfect the way we hope for. We can only have what is given and it is up for us to find grace in it.
Price of knowing the truth? More unsolved questions, secrecy, mystery, time, money, headaches, late nights, hurt, guilt, disappointment, broken ties, ditched memories, reminiscing. And despite all that, everything moves forward and if handled well, we all come through stronger, more understanding and stronger bonds are made. I hope our out-of-town trip for this long weekend will do more good than the money we will be spending for it.
What is it with knowing the truth that lures my mind to do things to seek it at costs that are at times beyond reason? Knowing the truth and intent of people's actions and words is just sometimes beyond me and I know that there are limits that I can't cross and are just not worth pursuing... because they are just not supposed to be figured out as normal people would given the same conditions.
Why is it so hard for me to accept the fact that people can say and do things just to please or to make me hear what I wanna hear but not necessarily what they mean? I need to read between the lines but sometimes I'm just tired of having to. It's just difficult to know when to and when not to. I guess people are just not accustomed to saying something that might hurt someone or cause others to think different of them. I should know better that not everything is transparent and not everything seems the way it is. Maybe I can take a cue from that and see if it improves with how I can connect with others... and also how they can connect with me once more. A lot have said (even my family said it too) that I've changed a lot in so little time and it's been painstakingly hard to connect with me. I'm clueless as to what makes them say so. They just can't assume that I know everything coz I am almost always unaware of what I'm doing. I just thought now that if I am confused myself, I could just imagine how confused they probably are. I can only hope for enlightenment and understanding.
I spoke of the Seven in my previous post and it's been disheartening to know that some just can't say that they felt different about the things I have done or have said. And despite my care and choice of words in my vocabulary, I realized I still have miles to go before getting my messages and intents out correctly. On the other part, I'm glad that one of them had the courage to relay to me almost everything that I should know even though he thinks that I might feel bad about it. I guess he shares with me this personality of mine that if something unpleasant needs to be told, then it should be relayed to the persons affected hoping that such transparency will resolve the problem in a better way. There is just no point in suffering in silence and having the people concerned run thoughts in their mind based on information that was misunderstood. In one way or the other, our minds process what we perceive through our senses... and if such perception is not what it truly is then the result of such processing can lead somewhere that is far off from had the perception been right.
I'm now battling keeping the friendships I've cultivated with some of them. It has never been my intent to break the 7 or break off from the 7. It just makes the friendship through the years meaningless. It's never easy doing any of it. I'm hoping and praying not for forgiveness but for understanding. In friendships, I believe we have to understand our friends' priorities in life and what means a lot to them. Part of it is respecting what is important to them and working around that premise. Things change as the friendships grow and in time we will all be living in separate worlds with families of our own and priorities would have changed by then. I'm also thinking of mine because it worries me too that unless bonds are kept and mutual respect is given, I doubt that in time we will indeed live in distant worlds with just memories to tie us back to a wonderful past that sad to say hasn't lived long enough to reach the present. There is no need for forgiveness to be given or asked. There are no sorries but just I-Understands. I've seen something like this happen once before... not even of my own doing... and at that point I did nothing for fear that I might get sucked in. I guess it is true that the only way for evil to prevail is for good men to do nothing. I'm glad one of us is doing something and I am very much willing to fight in that cause. Silence is overrated but at times I realize that shutting up when you have nothing good to say proves to be a better option. But keeping a thorn in the heart proves fatal and must be let out. If that can't be understood then all I can do is understand that the friendship hasn't matured that much and not all things are perfect the way we hope for. We can only have what is given and it is up for us to find grace in it.
Price of knowing the truth? More unsolved questions, secrecy, mystery, time, money, headaches, late nights, hurt, guilt, disappointment, broken ties, ditched memories, reminiscing. And despite all that, everything moves forward and if handled well, we all come through stronger, more understanding and stronger bonds are made. I hope our out-of-town trip for this long weekend will do more good than the money we will be spending for it.