It's been quite some time since the last time I wrote something here.

I just came from watching the movie Polar Express with my family (mom and bro). T'was a touching story and though I've been having difficulty accepting the fact that Christmas and all the jolly spirit that accompanies it is actually less than a month away, I could say that it was a miracle in itself that I watched this movie. I like stories like this where it makes me realize how precious time is and how important little things are. I guess when we age, we forget our dreams and we forget how it felt like to be a child a few years back then. We forget to see the little things and even if we do, we don't value them as much.

If you peeps saw the movie already, then you perhaps would know what I'm blogging about. The most interesting part of the movie (for me) was towards the end --- when the kids were able to listen to the jingle of the bell, and yet their parents weren't able to. I was in deep thought then... I could say I'm one with the parents. If I had been a cast of the movie, I'd be one of those who couldn't hear the melody of Santa's Bell.

When I was watching the movie, I felt like a kid. I was amazed by the elves, the gifts and Santa's factory. It made me a child once more. Yet when the movie was over, I mumbled "And now, back to reality..." Hehehe... I've stopped believing in fairytales and though how I wish I could, so many things in my life have led me to get in touch with what's real. I've stopped believing in Christmas. I've stopped believing in Santa Clause and I've stopped believing in tooth fairies. I could recall a few months ago that two of you who visit my site told me to still believe no matter what. I did listen to you, but now I've decided to be the bamboo that goes with the flow. Done and gone are the days when I have questions left unanswered. I already have them. And gone too were the times that I'd fight my battles and even other's battles if they were too weary to fight their own. I've stopped believing because there's no reason to go on with this thign I've been holding on to for the last 2 months. Struggles are fought when the cause is right, but without a cause, there is no banner left to raise.

It's over. And to hoping, I leave it up to the Lord because not even my desperate and endless attempts could overcome the destiny He has for me. I'm no longer the master of things but the slave to His plan. The warrior has been humbled and the battle left to those who have not fallen. Hello Hades.

Things will be very different about me in the next... I don't know what measure of time to use. The issue is closed. If friends can't change things, if I myself can't change things then there's only one conclusion to it -- It cannot be changed. So I guess this is it. Gotta be strong, gotta keep moving and gotta find my way in the road of life. Destiny holds me and only time know where I will be.

Patio ECILA - my newfound place at Ayala Center Cebu mall where I enjoy coffee and live acoustic music during my stays at the mall.  I enjoy the place very much because their coffee tastes so good.  I'm already a "suki" there and all I need to do is to is make a hand gesture before taking a seat and after a few minutes, a cup of brewed coffee already mixed with creamer and 2 packs of sugar is served right infront of me.  And during my stays in the evenings, there's this musician who plays nice acoustic music using his guitar... simply soothing and enjoyable.  If you peeps happen to pass by the place, pay it a visit.  It's just right beside Starbucks  It's really a nice place worth the visit.

November 15:  Exactly one year ago, Leslie introduced me to Rouselle and today marks one year of our friendship.  I checked my archives and I recall how things are different now from a year ago.  So much had happened and emotions went erratic rising and falling at various magnitudes.  I spent Monday afternoon at Starbucks... perhaps hoping that she'd pay the place a visit since it was at Starbucks where we met and had our first interesting conversation that brought us from friends to more than friends then to.... God knows how to describe this current situation of ours.  People went in and out of the coffeeshop, but no sight of her.  Just saw Maybelle Ngo and Masi (Mercy from Pharma).  After a few hours at Starbucks, I left and went around the mall.  Bumped into Yvette and her friend Joy.  We then went around the mall for a while looking for Sun cellular load and then coffee na naman at Cafe ECILA.  Afterwards, I went back to watch our store and then...

...at 8:43, an unexpected text came to my phone.  Unexpected because after such a long time of no communication, Rouselle texted me this: "Save a space for me in ur heart & not in ur mind.  The mind easily forgets but the heart always remembers.  Like now, I remember u & that's from my heart.  Hapy aniversary dear fren! 1 yr. Nata amigo!u"

It made me happy that she remembered, so I gave her a call and we talked stuff... usual stuff we talk about like telenovelas Hiram and It Might Be You.  She asked if I was watching, but I wasn't since I was at Ayala watching over our store.  I told her how happy I was that she remembered and she told me that she remembered because she recalled what she wrote on her journal a year ago.  She also told me that it was when we first met that she bought her journal/diary and made her first entry in it.  I felt that was something special and I'm confused as to what to make of that.  What do you think peeps?  She then told me she will be going to Manila on the 26th of this month for training at BDO.  We talked only for a few minutes since I was called to drive to the construction site to check on the work there.  So that was it.  I felt happy that night... made my day complete.  I was able to sleep well and wake up the next morning feeling great.

I dunno what to make of it, but I was happy Monday and yesterday.  Now, I dunno how I feel.  I feel happy that I'm slowly getting my life back, but I'm shaking inside because I know that a big part of me still wants to hope in getting back with her... to see her... to talk to her in person... and to just be with her.  *sigh.  I dunno how I feel and why I am feeling this way, or worse, I dunno why I ALLOW myself to feel this way everyday since the day our roads parted.  Maybe I need a psychologist's explanation to this.

School's picking up to speed and I'm trying to squeeze the little bit left out of me to simply enjoy my classes. My SOSC teacher is very analytical and humorous. We talk about Philippine society and culture and I somehow enjoy the class because our teacher helps us become open-minded towards the realities of society. I hope I could also share to the class some of my views and perhaps I could also squeeze out from this class some of the answers to my endless questions regarding culture and why society responds in a certain way to certain situations. Today, our Literature 1 teacher held her first class and I felt like I was back being a freshman in this school. To introduce ourselves to the class (name, course, hobby), we had to come up with something creative like a skit or a presentation to accomplish that. We had some sort of a "Star Circle Quest" thing as our presentation to introduce ourselvesto the class. It was rather embarrassing because as a 5th year graduating student, I guess I'm over those kinds of things where you have to act out a play or sing or dance infront of the class to comply with the whims of the teacher. hehehe. I'm now at home blogging as early as 4:20 since Ma'am Ruth texted me an hour ago that she won't hold classes today, so my last class which is from 4:30-6:00 is now free. So I'm now watching TV to find some form of entertainment to amuse myself in this rather quiet and dragging existence of mine. Christmas is fast approaching and I could hear it coming each tme I go to the office, because my officemates just can't get their ears off the Christmas MP3s. hehehe. Gotta buy myself some ear muffs. *sigh Christmas... I dunno what's in store for Christmas this year. It will just pass me by, but I guess it will be a festive one nonetheless.

School officially starts today. This is the last stretch for my so called "college" life. In 4 months, I'll be free to chart my life... can't wait for that moment to come. There's something terribly wrong with my health now. At sometime 3AM for the past two successive nights, I woke up with convulsions. My body shivers all over and I could hardly breathe and I keep on coughing just to get a gasp of air. It's been happening for two straight nights already. If this still happens by Saturday, I'll try to seek doctor's advice on this.

REALIZATION OF THE TIMES

When I lost contact with the person I love, I wonder whether I made the right choice when returning back as friends was an option she laid on the table. In my attempts to keep the relationship, naturally I was not ammenable to the quick "restart back as friends" because it would mean that everything that happened was to go down the drain. But now I think I'd feel much better if we're still good friends than how miserably I'm feeling right now about the lost communication thing. I ask myself this: "Why am I hurting so much, such that the pain tears me everytime my mind thinks of what happened to us?" Could the next statements be the answer to my question? I need your thoughts peeps. Here it goes. The probable answer to my question could be: The intensity of the feeling of being hurt/affected is caused primarily by the loss of the FRIENDSHIP or what most of us would coin as the PINAGSAMAHAN. Though the love lost is also a big thing, but it's minimal compared to the loss of good times we once shared. We still claim to be bestfriends as of the time she wrote me that Friendster testimonial ... I dunno whether this statement still holds true for now on her side because it's been months since we haven't talked or seen each other. I THINK we are still friends, but why is it that whenever I wanna communicate with her either through text, email or call, something stops me from doing so. What stops me is what she told me in a text weeks ago and it went like this: "Lingaw baya to pag kita pa, pero I miss our laags and chika2X about life when we were still just friends." And when I asked her why is it that we can't relive thos laag2X and chika2X about life days, this was her reply "Now is not the time for chika2X and laag2X" And when I asked her why it's not the right time to start all over again, she said "Big factor akong parents and partly ako.a pud." As to what that statement meant, I have no idea what it means and I stopped asking na lang. So what did that reply mean to you peeps? Does that mean that we can't be friends anymore? I hope you dear readers could help me make out the meaning to it. I dunno how she is doing with her life, with her work, with the trip she just made, and as her friend I would want to know how she is because I still do care about her. Even if we broke up, there's still this part of me that continues to care and love her for who she really is. I really do. The only way to know that is for me to ask her, to communicate with her, but I can't because as she told me, communicating would only confuse her with her moving on process. She said that she still does think of me pero she doesn't text me because by texting me, she will remember the happy moments we once had and it would just confuse her daw with the break up decision she made. *sigh. So I guess this cutting of communication is something that's imposed on us by the current situation and I seem to have no choice but to follow such imposition. Guys initiate communication, but with the things she told me, I think doing so would just irritate her and could make things worse between us. Do you peeps think so? I think communicating won't hurt, but I'm afraid about what she might have to say about it. Anyway, I'd appreciate whatever thoughts you could give. For your comments, you may tag on the board or for more personal stuff, you can email me at johnalexanderlim@yahoo.com. I'd really appreciate it if anyone could give me some of their thoughts and advices. Thanks. I need your views, if you could spare some time for me. For those still in school, good luck nga pala in your studies for this semester. Start it right, start it with a bang!