I don�t feel so good about blogging this, but I just have to since this is my blog and it�s important that I write this down so that I could read this someday and see what has become of it. It�s definitely an important chapter in my life as this is the first trial I faced with the girl I love. I hope that if any of you know the persons involved, please, under any circumstance, do not CONFRONT or SPEAK OF IT. Promise me this. I leave it to your conscience to decide what�s right. I don�t want this to be big. You are privileged to read this out of my trust in you. You wouldn�t want me to lose my trust in you.

Are we okay with that? So here it goes:

Something happened last night. I was sleepy and was waiting for some downloads to finish. I chat always when I have a basket full of files to download. I said a few things over at mIRC� my views and feelings about my current situation, which I feel is personal and which I felt I shared out of trust that the person would understand and keep it to herself. I was very open with what I felt knowing that she�s a common friend of both of us and I believe I could trust her well enough. Little did I know that my openness was taken for granted. She emailed the minutes of our chat to this girl I like so much. And so late this afternoon at Ayala, I got to read the email my girl sent me last night. She expressed that she was hurt by the things I said to her friend about how I see things right now. I was confused last night and maybe I said those things because I wasn�t sure of how she felt for me. I receive different kinds of signals from her, so I guess I�m entitled to react that way. Nevertheless, it was wrong of me to get my insecurities and impatience in the way of loving someone as nice as her. I just said what I felt inside to this friend of ours� things that I believe shouldn�t reach her ear since I was just ranting out of frustration. I didn�t mean my words. As I said, I was just ranting. When people rant, they engage in nonsense talk which they usually end up regretting to have said. True in this case. Lesson learned: John, when you�re sleepy, don�t chat. Go to bed!

And so it was that my hands shook terribly. My head split. My heart pounded fast not knowing what to do now that I�ve hurt the person whom I couldn�t ever afford to hurt. I can�t risk being in this jittery situation since we have a history of heart disease and I think I have fractions of it too. I then rushed to the counter to pay my internet usage and I rushed to pick up a nice bouquet at Holland Tulips, rode on a speeding cab and personally gave the bouquet to her in the bank to ask for forgiveness. We talked for a while outside and she was smiling at me. No trace whatsoever of how hurt she was last night. How could someone manage to smile at me like that after the things I said? If not for the chismoso security guards who were staring at us, I would have cried infront of her out of shame. We clarified a few things and she was just thanking me for the flowers the whole time. I would have wanted to give her my first bouquet of BETTER flowers at a more opportune and happy time, but I guess things have a way of ruining my �plans�� things that are beyond control. As to the hidden purpose of God�s move today, I don�t know what He has in mind. All I know is that I did the right thing by saying sorry. And she was nice to forgive me.

In her email, she was disappointed in me, but I liked a few phrases she said, especially this in particular. I wrote it in her own original words which are now immortal in my heart. This was what she had to say.

�...i know that i like you,but is this feeling real,if love means that ur always thinking of the person,then maybe im in love with you.but love is infinite and for me undescribable...�

how nice. =)

Anyway, she�s on her way to Dumaguete for a trip with Diane and Lolo. God bless their way and I hope she�ll have fun moments there. As for me, beach outing tomorrow with Lexmark peeps. Gotta sleep! No chat for John tonight! Good night peeps!