--+--!!!HAPPY BIRTHDAY MICKIE!!!--+--

Please take time to read this. It's long and I just want blog so long till I drop.

I was crying so badly throughout the night. I�ve been silently weeping under my pillow so my family, especially my mum, won�t see me. I�ve never liked the idea of crying in front of people�s faces so that they won't get worried over me. I just woke up from barely 3 hours of on-off sleep. I turned on my computer and logged on to my site to check out if everything�s okay with Melvs seeing that tag-board mess last night. I also feel bad when others try to hurt my friends. I�m a very protective kind of person. As I read through my tag-board, I saw Melvs post that I should read Adrian�s blog. I immediately went there and began weeping again as I read every letter, every word, every sentence of that very long blog of Adrian.

I�m very lucky to have great friends in all of you, especially Adrian. To tell all of you the truth, I value Adrian most among my friends. From the start of our friendship, my mum was against the idea that I have him as my friend. Mum would call him bad influence because of some family member in Adrian�s family that she didn�t like. Whenever mum knew that I was going out with Adrian, she�d try to pull me away by sending me off to errands, threatening that I wouldn�t be able to enter the house, or she won�t let me go to school, that she�d cut off my allowance, etc. Adrian, you already know the rest. She did the same with Jed, but when mum knew Jed's aunt, she sort of gave in a bit. But through it all, I believed that I was old enough to choose my friends, to choose the roads I�d traverse in my life. The decision to decide which road to take in a fork was now mine, all mine. I really fought for Adrian�s friendship, �coz somehow I knew Adrian was a gift and a grace to my life. I fought hard for it. Got scolded a million times. Mum would even appear plastic in front of the two of them, but I always told Jed and Adrian to understand my mum, 'coz she's never the trusting kind of person. Did everything my way, and now, my mum allows me to go out with them whenever I want. Last night, I thought I'd get scolded for going home after the time I told my mum I'd go home, but she didn't. When I reached the house, I was prepared for a series of lectures, but there was none for me. My mum has grown to trust my two friends, because she has finally learned to trust me in the choices I make in my life. Prolly all of you thinking I'm gay to be saying all this. I'm not. I'm just one person who gives credit where it's due. I hope you guys still understand what I�m mumbling �coz I�m overwhelmed with emotions now. There�s extreme joy for the blessing of such a great friend, there�s the deep sorrow of losing someone whom I really cherish. I don�t know what to feel. *sob

As to Adrian's blog, I'm a FRIENDS fanatic too. Being one, I was also able to watch that episode. When I saw it, I knew that what Ross did was one of the biggest sacrifices he had to do. We all know how high Ross' pride is. But he gave that up to see that precious smile from Rachel's face. Because to him, that smile was worth more than his pride or the money he had to shell out for the bet. I believe all of you would agree with me on this point. It was heart wrenching for all of us to see Ross see Rachel fall for so many guys. We all know how Ross loves Rachel. We all feel sorry for Ross every time Rachel flirts with another new guy. That's because we are like his friends. We are the people behind the scenes. But if we were an outsider, not being able to know what really goes on inside the characters, we won't be able to appreciate everything Ross did... the moment Ross volunteered to take Rachel out to the prom since her partner stood her up (which was quite disappointing 'coz Rachel's partner arrived just when Ross was about done changing his clothes). I guess you all saw the episode when Rachel finally saw what happened on that prom night, just before she went to the party.

I just feel so hurt that the news had to come from someone else. For all the efforts I've made for Wendy, I tried to do everything right. I stopped my torpe habits. I had to surpass all my shy attitudes, 'coz I know when you love someone, you've got to be bold enough to stand firm for your feelings toward that person you love. I didn't even think of getting to know her through text. I struggled with making eye contact when I talk to her. Just so that I could talk to her and get to know her better. Coz she gave feedback that I was not interested in her with the way I talk. It's because I don't make eye contact. I just shrink and get goosebumps when I see her straight in the eye. I surpassed this and talked to her during midterm week with perfect eye contact. I thought I was doing well, that I had it going well to my deadline, until the bomb was dropped on me. When people ask whether I like her, I always admit. I've never gone around the bush and kept people guessing. I was transparent. Clearly, all of you could attest to it. I was planning to ask her already this February 14. It was the deadline I was talking about in my past blogs. I could remember Adrian counting the days for me. He'd say "25 days to get closer to her". But somehow a good friend of mine saw my pity state and sort of saved me from the possibility of a very heart-wrenching moment. I guess everyone knew the verdict then, but no one dared to tell me for fear that I might go wild. I promised to myself that I won't do the old things I'd do to hurt myself. Absolutely no more of that. I guess what my friend did was a blessing in disguise. Although it hurts a lot now, I guess it would have hurt more if more time passed by. Seeing her yesterday almost made me cry at Metro if not for Adrian and Mary Ann who tried to create diversions for me.

I'm feeling like this 'coz I'm the serious kind of guy. Sometimes Pandi would scold me for being too serious. I think I should have listened to him and none of this would have happened. To me, courtship of a girl is no joke, 'coz it's not easy to give your heart to someone. It's no game to me. I'm not the flighty type that changes his object of affection by the minute. When I court someone, I don't look for other prospects. I'm too loyal to shift from one to the other. When friends throw opportunities for me to like someone knew, I always pass on that opportunity 'coz I know that if I were Wendy and if she had feelings for me (which I know now that there's none), I'd get hurt seeing the guy jump from one boat to another. I wouldn't feel good also having so many women to share my affections too. I never court many ladies at one time. It's a big no-no to me. I've always gone by the rule one guy for one girl. That's why it hurts so much, 'coz I pour everything I've got to only one, and if I lose it, I guess friends are all I've got left. So, once again thanks to all my beloved friends who are with me through this stage.

I just have one puzzling question left in my head. If someone asks for the chances and the response is a simple straightforward "Wa.", does it mean one should quit. Or does it mean "Now's not the time." I took it as the former, not the latter, 'coz when there's no chance, there's nothing I could do, whether now or sometime in the future, to make it happen.

Till here peeps, 'coz the office will be closing for lunch break.